Saturday, May 26, 2012

Yea sure, drop the bomb on me.

I'm exasperated, close to flabbergasted and on the verge of giving it all up and picking the easier route to maintain my sanity at the moment.

Things haven't been easy the past month. Things haven't been easy all these while, but right now, it feels, up there. You know?

The moment I get home, my mum drops the bomb on me. That she needs to take 400 bucks from me. 400 bucks, gone, just like that. 200 bucks every month from now on. I expect those numbers to climb.

Yes, there are people in way worse situations than me, people who scrimp to get past day by day. But I don't see the point of comparing myself to those worse off. To make myself feel better? That's just fucked up.

To appreciate what I have? I don't need to do that to learn to appreciate what I have. I already do.

Now, it's just this sick feeling in my guts. This exhaustion, of everything.

I'm tired of constantly giving to people, that now I'm at the point whereby there's almost nothing left of myself, for myself.

From the constant struggle to be top notch in grades when I was younger to excel in every single fucking aspect I stepped foot in and slowly, for what I didn't give in grades I did a swop. I worked my ass off while studying. It was so tough to struggle through that 4 years in poly, I hated my course. But I kept my ass in there not for myself, but for my mum.

Any idea how sad it is to sit at your graduation and feel absolutely nothing other than the irrevocable urge to just bolt out of hall because sitting in a sea of strangers and feeling their present feelings was just so claustrophobia inducing? Very.

The saddest part was a month back or so, when something my mum said made me realise that she never did see my efforts. Never saw an ounce of that sweat and tears I put in to support myself the past few years. It felt like younger days, when aceing everything was expected, like it was nothing. It was disheartening.

And now, it feels like oh, I'm JUST about to do something for her. Such words dropped so easily on me like a raindrop falling. But I feel like an ant now, and that raindrop is just so, so, so much more painful.

Why is it always me in the family, expected to be the punching bag, to ace my grades and now this? I love my brother, but why does he have it so much easier? I'm the younger one, I'm barely 21, why am I the one contributing instead.

I just wished they'd all take a step back to think about my emotional wellbeing all these years rather than why aren't I home or some other superficial thing like me smoking.

Why aren't I home you ask?

Because all I feel like doing these days is running off to somewhere else.
Somewhere where I could forget about these burdens.

1 comment:

  1. Oh 'dwee, stay strong. Like Dory said, keep on moving, keep on moving - someday it'll open up into the big blue sea and you'll find those friends who really matter with you.

    Take some time off for yourself - it's not easy, whatever you have to go through. Don't belittle it, don't compare it because it's not right, it just isn't. Everyone has a right to scream. Everyone has a right to fight and say no, but it's never easy when it comes to your family, to the ones you love.

    I don't mean to give any advice, but I just want to say, stay strong, hang on, hang on.

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better or even just, a pat on the back or something.

    >..< take care, take care. :/