Tuesday, August 28, 2012


Dad, if you were here... would things be very different? Would you have been the better man to change and love us like you're supposed to?

Would I have had the normal childhood other kids had?

Would I have had the financial security I crave for now and more?

Would mum be the lesser mess she is now?

Would I have the home I want so badly?
The family I want so badly?

Would I fear so much lesser?

Would I want more in life than just a happy, complete family?

People don't get how that could be all I want in life. People don't get how someone who could be so much, could want so little, could want something so simple. But no matter how much I can be, it can't guarantee me a happy family. What is the top, if I have no one to share it with?

I can try and be happy as I always have, keep going with my blind faith. Be happy for the ones I love when they're happy. But how long can I protect the feelings of the ones I love by keeping everything in?

I only know stories of you, what you were like... My memories of you are few, the tangible things you left behind I could count. The most I could make up of you are the letters you left behind...

But those were the most painful.

I try to put a voice to the words, a character to the man every one knew but me.

I read the letters and see a bit of me. Maybe we really were alike, we share such a close birthday after all... that counts for something, right?

But all I'm left with are puzzle pieces that don't fit, I don't even have a proper echo of a scene.

When you left you took all the could have beens.

18 years Dad. Some days I push it all away and accept it like it is now. Other days like these, I breakdown.
Do you know the burden you left behind?

Sometimes I get so mad when Mum tells me that I have to get my degree because it was your last wish. I could never figure out why until today.
It was all because, I never knew you.
I don't understand why I have to do it for you, why for such a large part, you play reason.
You weren't around for so much of my life.

But some nights when the defiance simmers down, there's only this ache in my chest.
The one that comes about when I look at a complete and happy family.
How much more it aches when the kids are the age I was when you left.
That same ache I get when I see father figures and I have to hold back all the tears.

Do you know how hard it's been the past 18 years?
Growing up without someone to guide me because circumstances took Mum from my side.
Do you know how sad it was to grow up thinking that nobody was indispensable, and nobody was there for me? Nobody was there to change such a thought.
Growing up with Grandma wasn't easy, I took everything in, with no one to turn to. My loudest cries are the scars on me because that was the only way I knew how to deal.

Every year on the 5th of July, I stand before your altar with tears in my eyes, remembering how you left 15 days shy of my third birthday. Every year Mum tells me how it was the first birthday you promised that you'd bring me home to celebrate, then you left. Every July, I get reminded of how it's your birthday, your death anniversary then my birthday. Every July, I see Mum kneel before you, holding in her tears, just silently looking at your photo then placing a kiss to the glass that seperates.
She's been so lost without you.
It always breaks me.

18 years on and she loves you the same, every ounce of the mess in the house is a resonance of how she has never let go.
How unwilling she is to let go.

And you never got the chance to say sorry for all the wrong you did to her.

" Cornered by people at work,
Cornered by financial liabilities,
With no where forward to go "

Those were the words in the letter that haunt me the most.

I never knew you Dad, but I wish I did.

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