Saturday, November 3, 2012

21 is an awful age to be

It's a Friday night, and I'm home. Which is a bloody rare phenomenon, I believe it's been a year since I was last home on a Friday night. And the only reason I'm home and not stomping around in heels and serving people their alcohol... is because I'm sick.

It's been a while since I've been that sick to the point whereby I actually drag myself to the doctor TWICE in 3 days, and miss TWO jobs. Usually, I sleep it off and self medicate, and ignore it and drag myself to work. But you know the alarm bells are ringing when you're kept awake the whole night coughing and you get a fever. Plus I have 14 hours of work tomorrow, so I shan't fuck around with my health today.

It actually feels weird to get an mc from the doctor. That coming from the girl who barely went to school. 

And what's funny now? I actually can't wait to get back to school. Which is just bloody surprising to me.
I didn't even expect myself to go back to school, much less look forward to it.
I still detest studying and school, and a couple more months, I'd be bemoaning the fact that I'm back there. But for now, it's the one thing I'm looking forward to.

Since I graduated in April, I decided to take a one year break from studying, sort out my thoughts first, maybe do something greater with my life. The latter obviously did not happen. But the former sure did.

I've been fucking up a lot these couple of months, floating about like this piece of lifeless seaweed. Making the wrong choices, and there are some wrong choices that I didn't walk away from or kept making.
In short, I really screwed myself over. 

But as life always is, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you bounce back up. 
I've grown weary of my current lifestyle, events, the nightlife. 
I've got a job, I'm earning a salary, but ultimately... this is going nowhere.
This would have been perfect if I was still 19, 2010 were the days of Powerhouse and being carefree in all it's golden splendour. 
I still look back to those days in fond reminiscence... but I'm no longer 19.

Hitting 21, everything just seems on fast forward - like this pivotal point in life. 
Maybe I'll be lost again, unsure, but I don't want to be as lost as I am now and to do things that make me so momentarily happy but so empty at the end of the day.
I'm craving for fufilment and I'm sick of being so mediocre. 

I hate it when people I know now, know the things I've achieved in the past and look at me with pity and ask, " What happened to you now? ".
That, or when people of the past look at me now and do the very same thing.
It makes me feel fucking pathetic. 
But I want to set my life back on track not for anyone else, but myself. 
I do miss being able to look back on the tangible achievements and feeling proud of myself.

Going back to school, literally means nothing, but I'm just happy for myself that I'm changing, and I want to change and stop being all these. 
I've had an entire myriad of other nasty shitty views, and it feels good when I tell my close ones that I'm dropping all that. The smiles on their faces, their fistbumps/hugs and their " I'm really happy for you"'s really makes me happy.

I'm still a mess, but at the very least, right now, I'm trying to save myself.
I don't know where to go, where I would end up but it's worth a try to pave the road right.

 It's 2.55am, goodnight.

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