Friday, January 4, 2013

My 2012

Here I am, a couple days too late to sum up my 2012, I doubt it'll be a pretty post seeing how my year was so hideous. 2012 is inarguably the worst year I've ever had. Sure I've had bad years these couple of years, but just when I thought nothing could top the rest, 2012 sauntered in and made all the other years look like a walk in the park. Maybe I'd have worse years to come, downfalls which I'd have no control over, struggles that I'd barely scrape by... But I would never again let it be like 12'.

I can safely say, every mess I was in, every tear I shed and every encounter I look back on with disdain... I brought it upon myself. So maybe, I shouldn't say that 2012 was the worst year I've had, but rather, it was the year I was at my worst.

I made so many bad decisions that I'm surprised I can be typing this with great hope and faith in the new year and in myself, because when I look back, I seemed like a lost cause. I fought for the wrong battles, I loved the wrong people and I cried for the wrong things. When I should have left, I stayed. And when I should have stayed, I left. I was so consumed by all these wrong choices, that I lost sight of what was right.

2012, my brows were furrowed for the silliest things. I became so overwhelmed by superficiality and the popularity contest of events, that I forgot what I'm capable of. Things that could be achieved through sheer hard work, I let slide. Maybe it's the work I had put myself into, and how I had let myself get too caught up with. After all, looks and being popular were the trump cards to getting more jobs, or having an easier time at work.

For the entire year, I stopped dancing. All the more I forgot my worth. I may not be a stellar dancer and maybe even at my best, I might never be anywhere near that... But the thing is, I have never known what I could be because I have never tried to be my best. Things like work, school, my nonsensical emotional state, my fear of going back because I've been away for so long... They were just excuses to cushion the fact that I lacked the passion I once had. The thing about this, it's a vicious cycle, the more I delayed the more reasons I had to not go back. I went back to dance last week, and I got reminded of how I had withdrawn from something so beautiful that made me so happy. The thing about dance, is that it doesn't matter how you look like, nobody gets put on stage just because they are gorgeous. They get put there, because they deserve it. Because the hours of sweat, tears and effort are completely justifiable. Even if your technique isn't strong, you could have great feel for the dance, and people would acknowledge and appreciate that. It was a subtle and good wake up call to how I'd been encapsulated by the wrong things over 12 months. That is a bloody long time to be an idiot.

The cherry on top of the cake to my stupidity in 12' which has snowballed from over the years, is how I let boys dull my sparkle. I wouldn't even say men, because real men don't do shit like that. I let the ones I was with make me feel so small and so full of doubt. I gave so much, yet I let them make me feel like I had so little to offer. My self worth went down the drain, and along with it, so did my senses. Because  I let myself make even more mistakes to counter how I felt. But at the end of the day, all it did was make me feel worse. I let them tell me what to do, what not to do, their daily itinerary was what I fitted my life around. I cared so much about how they felt, that I felt I was walking on eggshells all the time. What was once my strength, became my weakness. It used to be that I would review my faults every time something went wrong, that was a strength, because I became a better person. But slowly, I took fault for everything, I started to feel apologetic for the most trivial of stuff and more than anything, I always blamed myself. I'd always let myself go through maximum damage before I walked away. That was me 3 parts stupid and 1 part giving the best that I feel every relationship warrants.

I also had the worst birthday of my life, which very unfortunately, was also my 21st.

But of course my year wasn't just a series of emotionally tragic happenings, there were times when I was genuinely happy, though honestly, that only happened from my Maldives trip onwards. Before that, every smile was coupled by this nagging sadness and fear at the back of my head. But all that doesn't matter because the only thing that does, is that things get better.

I made wonderful friends, and friends whom I've always had who have become such an integral and essential part of my life. For that I am immensely thankful, because the year would have been so much worse if it weren't for their presence in my life. I can only hope that I bring the same happiness to them as they do to me.

I travelled quite a fair bit in 12' BKK, Malacca, Maldives, Phuket... and I hope I can top that in 13' because the wanderlust in me is craving for more. I want to see more sights, experience more, chalk up small little momentos from around the world and be one step closer to my dream of planting my feet in every country before I snuff out.

With that said, there is still no place like home and I'm glad I'm so much closer to my family now. I'm so happy to be home every night, and having the constant heart to heart talks with my mum and brother. More than anything else, even in distant state, they are my anchors. They are the ones whom have kept me here, even if they don't know it.

I'm genuinely looking forward to experiencing and achieving so much more in time to come, to change what I can't accept and to accept what I can't change.

Thank you ( from the depths of my heart ) to every single one of you who has made my 12' less of a tragic affair. And to those who did, fuck you, God bless that you step on a Lego.

Once again happy 2013 poodykats!
Keep the faith up and the love going strong. 

Remember, everything happens for a reason, a good reason in fact. Even the bad stuff, you may not see it now, but one day, everything will all make sense :>

No comments:

Post a Comment