Monday, February 18, 2013

Wide Awake

I'm awake thinking about the same circle of thoughts. It seems never ending to me, every single fucking day, the more I think and write the more hidden dirt I unearth. I just want every nook and cranny scrubbed clean, give me something as close to a fresh start as I can. It is a process more arduous than I imagined, arduous but essential. Morose one moment and placid the next. I can't be around people too much yet I can't be left alone too long. I won't lie, it is exhausting. It takes as much effort to start on it as it does to stop. Too long and I spiral downward, no starting and I go nowhere. Merely chasing shadows of the past two steps behind, as I always have.

I don't think anyone can truly understand my inherent inability to rely on others. Do I like being like this? No.  I sometimes wish I was able to just share my troubles endlessly or not, on the people around me, with zero regards for an ounce of their feelings. Sometimes I wish I could be so blatantly selfish... and reliant. I have reached a peak of such a state, I was once somewhere out of here, then I got hit. Then I got scared. I got reminded of exactly why I was like this in the first place. 

Because words are cheap and easily dished out on a silver platter. 
Because promises are so easily broken.
Because lies are so easily told. 
Because discerning isn't my nature.
Because people are unreliable.

I've sorted my life around things I could control, inanimate beings incapable of bruising my soul. Clothes, makeup, alcohol, cigarettes, pain. Things I could easily acquire, on my own accord. I'd have no favours to return, no questions to answer and the best part? No disappointments. 

Some nights, I wish I had a chance to start completely anew elsewhere. 
But it's good that I don't, I could be heartless enough to do so. 
6am, the liqueur is starting to serve it's purpose. 

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