Tuesday, March 5, 2013

oh the world is ours, like they say in scarface

Onslaught of extremely depressing posts because it hasn't been a pretty picture in my head for the past couple of weeks. I feel as though I've put my mental state in a pressure cooker of expectations of myself. But I'm all better now! I hope things remain that way though my volatile emotional nature would probably mar that streak.

That aside, I'm sick. Again. My body needs to be less of a wuss. I spent the entire afternoon flopping around my bed because I've been a human phlegm machine and blowing my nose THAT much, gave me an awful headache. I also spent a huge part of the afternoon staring wistfully at that scrumptious pot of porridge the Momster made and REFUSING to eat it even though my stomach was making dying whale sounds. I hate eating anything when I can't taste a damn thing. And in that short frame of time that I could taste, I gobbled up as much of that love as my stomach could hold. Then I ceased to smell anything again, and it has been that way since. 

A couple of days back I had a monstrous breakdown, switched off my cellphone, set my mind on walking home all the way from Vivo. But I got distracted by MBS and it's awesome toilets and air-conditioning. It wasn't one of those ' what a nice day to take a walk in a park ' weather but I still did it. I walked from Vivo to MBS, in slippers, a long sleeved tunic and a goddamned heavy bag on my shoulder. 

I didn't experience any life changing epiphany or put my tangled thoughts in their rightful places. But it was liberating ( and highly irresponsible :<  ) to not answer to anyone, and feel free of expectations for that short few hours. It's like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders for that little bit, mainly the massive stress I've been putting myself through that I didn't talk to anyone about. And there I was, this idiot walking in godforsaken weather, with zero sense of direction with home as my destination... and getting amused at every little small thing I saw.

I was happy... taking my time looking at all the greenery, watching the cars swish pass, watching them stuck in traffic while I passed them, feeling so proud when I made the right choice of crossing the overhead bridge because I ended up on the right path, walking past the old train station of which I've only seen it's clock on the highway, walking past all the congruently determined faces on Shenton way and thinking ' Here it is all these hardworking people, and here I am, this emotional idiot making do with such frivolous activity on a working day ', then I saw MBS and I was instantly ecstatic... The direction dodo bird did NOT get lost! Then I saw all those hardworking people in their running groups running all over the place and I felt so happy because all of them looked so happy.

But what made me happiest was the fact that I took a breather from sweating the small stuff and started smiling at all of these small wonderful happenings. I'd just make do with changing what I can't accept and accepting what I can't change. My life isn't a catastrophe even though the twisted clockwork of my mind always makes me feel like it's the bloody apocalypse of my life. I can't say I'd always be okay, but to all that I want to be, I will make a conscious effort to be alright. 

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