Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Sober Thoughts

It's been quite a while since I last unloaded my thoughts here. The last I checked, it's been a couple of months since I did the same for my diary. Somewhere in between there, I've stopped being utterly honest with myself, I just stopped talking about how I really felt, in any way at all. Writing has always been my greatest escape; the way I best organise my thoughts and make my feelings known. That too, I stopped.

I've just been pushing everything aside. because the moment I start to piece bits of my thoughts together, it becomes too overwhelming to handle. I've just been busying myself with work, making plans for a new business, going back to dance and getting drunk every chance I can afford to. To be frank, money is my sanity anchor at the moment. The sole reason I haven't completely fallen apart, is my dedication towards earning my keep. It's the reason I push everything aside, go to bed sober, early, wake up and hurry along with my responsibilities and comfort myself that I'm not an entire wreck.

I've been keeping to my resolve that regardless of what goes on in my head, life goes on and every tangible greener pasture I could set foot on, I would. When that is all said and done; I run into the arms of alcohol. I've set a record for the most number of nights in a month that I'd be dancing on the tables of Mink, bottling moment after another as if what I held in my hands was liquid gold. Then there are the nights when I cry, and talk and completely forget what I even spoke about. All the better anyway.

Some may scorn. throwing in the typical line of "Alcohol doesn't solve your problems". It doesn't. But for that few short hours, it sure as hell makes me forget. Drowning in the music, the atmosphere, being completely aware yet ignorant of the frivolous souls around me. Then there are the fleeting moments when I'm slapped by the realisation that I've lost the ability to share my thoughts even to the closest... And it hits me how lonely I can feel. I take another swig of the bottle.

The world is beautiful again.

Relationships have worn me down, any humanly relationship with people. It seems like people only think for themselves these days. It has marred that once clear line I had of yes and no. Of late, certain people have gotten mad at me. But the first thing that hits me is, is it for my sake or theirs? Sadly, it veers to the latter. Them with their nonchalant disposition that it's okay to impose their ideals of life on me, or their hidden agendas or their selfish thoughts. Has it always been this way? Just that I've been too naive to see all these while. Or has my recent burnt truly opened up my eyes? I hate all these traits and I fear that one day I'd inherit all of them, just to keep buoyant. Sometimes I feel like I've the emotions of an overly sympathetic adult, yet my capability of dealing with them borders along childlike. All these confusion just makes me want to pull away more. Because people can be so ugly and I feel too much.

I'm fatigued and weary now. It's time for slumber.

Goodnight X.

1 comment:

  1. I love blogging, I love reading parenting blogs, I get inspiration and comfort and anxiety and support and laughter and red eyes from reading about the experiences of Parents around the world...