Thursday, May 23, 2013

Till Death Do Us Part

It's funny how I decided to start on this post. I was just watching Jenna Marbles' video on her views on marriage this afternoon and then I just caught a video on my friend's wedding and well... this video. Which made me cry, weddings just have this tearjerking effect on me.

Marriage has always been a huge thing to me, I once was this girl who never wanted anything more than having a happy marriage and family. It's like you could ask me what I wanted to be and I'd tell you that I wanted to be the perfect wife and mother.

I wanted to be the wife my husband would look forward to seeing after a long hard day of work just because my presence would brighten up his day. I'd massage his tight, tense shoulders as he rambles on about all the shit he had to go through and slowly but surely, break out into a smile because he still has me. I wanted to be the wife who would make breakfast and coffee every morning, iron his collared shirts to a crisp and tie his tie, giving him a kiss and saying " Be safe, have a great day honey. I love you. " every time he leaves the door for work. I'd keep the house clean and comfy, make sure he comes home to a warm scrumptious dinner every night, be his lover, his friend & his soulmate.

I wanted to be the mother my kids would be proud to have, someone who would always be there for them that they could confide in like a friend, give them everything they need, and more. Fill their days with love and laughter and guide them as they grow. I wanted to make a home my kids would return to that was filled with love, not just a hollow house.

It's funny because when I shared this with people, so many times, they made it seem so small. Like it was something that would come at the snap of the fingers, like as if they were baffled by how I could want so little in life. Despite that, marriage and everything that comes along in that package, is still a huge deal to me.

BUT. Yes, there's a but. It's just not the case for me anymore, not that I no longer want to be a Perfect 10 on the Wife/Mother list. It's just... it's not something I think about anymore. It went pretty far down on my " Important Things in Life " list actually. Not because it no longer appeals to me, it's more like a " I don't think that shitz really going to happen to me. " kind of thing.

Like the whole idea of marriage and the amount of commitment it requires scares the fuck out of me (Not that I'd get married anytime soon). It is equal parts beautiful as it is scary to me. I guess it was just the number of failed marriages I saw growing up, it doesn't necessarily have to end in divorce, but when one party starts cheating, starts taking the other party for granted in absolutely heinous levels, or when things just become stagnant and the love is gone... it's a failed one to me. And the worst part? You can't just flip them the finger and leave. Things like kids, status, reputation, responsibility, money and the messy proceedings in a divorce just come into place and so many people stay in unhappy marriages because of one or more factors.

And my spate of failed relationships definitely played a huge part in my shift in thinking. It's so bloody hard to trust people these days. Probably even harder to find someone who would trust you, drop all that bravado and be completely honest about who they all. It's worse for me because I lay all my cards on the table and tell you straight up the #101ofAudrey. You could practically read me like a book and though many would sneer that I'm stupid, that's just me. I hate hiding who I am simply because I hate it when people hide who they are for selfish reasons. I probably left almost all my relationships wondering "Who exactly the fuck did I date?". I went from this sparkly-eyed hopeful " I'd never raise that white flag on love" girl to being this "Fuck this shit. I'm just gonna grow old and die with a 100 cats" girl. 

It makes me so sad when I see marriages turn out awry because it's always been sacred for me, and when I see one party waning on the effort or just completely dumping everything aside, I think about the marriage vows they once said. The joy and love they felt as they said their wedding vows, how overwhelming it was for them on their big day and suddenly... all that is forgotten.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone with a failed marriage. In fact, I do know a couple of people who got a divorce, remarried and ended up way happier in their second marriage. It just makes me morose and terrified that one day, I could be in that position. I could be giving my all to someone and just because that makes up only half of the marriage, any amount of effort on my part, still wouldn't be able to make things work and I'd be stuck with all that factors to consider and on top of that... have my beliefs ruined right in my face, to me. Like a pinata, with someone having a go at it.

Everybody wants a happy marriage, but how would you ever know that things would be fine? People can be so ugly, and relationships are just so damn fragile.

Well, but all that sadness about marriage aside. Here is one thing that puts a smile on my face and tears to my eyes...

The groom crying when he first lays eyes on his bride.


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