Thursday, August 22, 2013

Hi again, I guess this has been the longest that I've been gone from this space. It's been a good 3 months? Yea. 

I haven't been great but I haven't been bad either. Just, meh. Work has been good, I've been earning enough, found a couple of more stable income sources which really helps with my monthly fretting. But I've set my sights on more and I'm just trying my best to work towards it.

I'm into my second week of university life and so far it's been good. Lectures are interesting to me, no more weird scientific terms to mess around with my mind. Everything makes sense to me. I love the chairs in the lecture halls but I've yet to make it to class on time by public transport hahahahhaaha. But hey, at least I make it to class. 

Dance has been great, I can feel it all coming back. No matter how bad a day I have, training always cheers me up. The crazy reggae dancers with me are just awesome. I can't wait to be fully back once again. 

But the thing is... Despite all these, I feel hollow. I've been floating between meh and just meh. Not good at all. I wake up, smile at every one I see, go about my daily dealings with the bubbly-ness and energy everybody knows me for. I talk to everybody, I laugh at so many things but somehow, curled up in bed at 3am... I feel empty. It's been jarring, the realization that I've changed. Numb or placid, placid or numb. I can't figure out how I feel anymore, I don't know how to feel or what to feel. I once said I'd never raise the white flag on the big L word, but it looks like I have. People are complicated, and me, more so. I've lost the ability and willingness to gel my life with another. I'm not sad that I can't have someone by my side, I never needed anybody. I'm probably sad that I've lost who I was. But sad isn't the right word either, because frankly, I just feel dull & ... Nothing. Really just, nothing. It's perplexing, but somehow on the other end of the spectrum, I don't give two fucks. 

I've been trying to cry, to feel something more than just nothing. 

But still .... Nothing. 


  1. So cynical, for one so young.

    Having a soulmate isn't the only type of Love.

    Never say "I don't care", You care, or you wouldn't have these thoughts.

    And, Business rocks. :D

  2. Your writing is shocking most of the time, the messages, not the language. But I see a good person despite all the mess...stay sane, nothing lasts forever.