Wednesday, October 9, 2013

4am Honesty

It's 4am, I have a terrible habit of being up at ungodly hours and thinking about life. I'm just done with settling my accounts, scheduling work dates and sending out my portfolio for jobs. It's exhausting when I think about money, I always feel as though I'm balancing on a tightrope. I either make it till the end of the line with much struggles or I make a free fall down. Half of me is always on the verge of hyperventilating from the anxiety and the other half of me is just trying to stop that from happening. 

I have to admit, I'm nowhere near holding rein over my current situation and sometimes I feel so burnt out. I don't have my act together at all, I'm just good at faking it with a smile. Juggling work, school and dance is really quite a stretch. I have done it before, but I've never wanted to do well in everything so badly. I guess reality has hit me that at 22, I'm still a lost sheep. A lost sheep struggling to find its way. I've only got myself to blame, that from the age of 17 until now, I was doing nothing but fucking up. Everything was a half fuck attempt because I was too encapsulated with the idea of 'love', wasting my time trying to fit into someone's life and giving up things for the wrong people. I could say that I didn't even try, because I was so scared of giving my best and failing. 16 is a vulnerable age to face your first failure and till this day, that one failure still stings vividly in the nest of my memories. Scary, isn't it?

Growing up, getting what I wanted came to me so easily with hard work, that that one trip scared me so badly. I threw myself into frivolous notions of life, overwhelming myself with things that I only had half a grasp over. Because hey, if it messes up, I can't put the blame all on myself right? Nothing but denial. But now as I type this, I've acknowledged every single reasoning, I've come to terms with everything and life goes on. But this, this acceptance, is just as scary. Because I've become so aware of everything that I'm doing, I feel afraid of cutting myself any amount of slack at all. Afraid of back sliding, afraid of screwing things up, afraid of mediocrity, afraid of people. 

The contrast is jarring, it's hard to crawl your way up from the bottom, even getting to where I used to be seems like a stretch, needless to say about getting where I want to be. This awkward adrift yet determined phase of life is wearing me out but I'm not going to throw in the towel, I can't go back to those days. 


I need a holiday.


  1. You need any assistance? You sound very exhausted.

  2. You need any assistance? You sound very exhausted.


  4. A 22 year old student nervously anticipating future comings, embracing past downfalls and treading very carefully in order avoid pathways to future failures; a music lover, DJ and party enthusiast; enjoys writing/venting on blogs and the occasional "slothing" around...

    I was actually born in Malaysia but I grew up here in Australia; considering Malaysia and Singapore are practically neighbours I'd say that's close enough to consider that another thing we have in common. Hard to believe but you JUST might be the female version of me (or vise versa).

  5. Having goals is better than having none. It spurs you to accomplish the things u love.

    Life isn't a race. You would look back one day and find that you're more awesome than you think.

    Chin up :)

  6. Read this old post compared to your more recent posts, I'm glad you are much happier now. That last picture from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is heartbreaking. Sending much love from Canada.