Monday, October 7, 2013

Surreality







So it's 4am now, it's been a long while since I've written, not just here, but anywhere at all. Where did my days of writing go? I've just been opening up my browsers, typing maybe a couple of words then thrashing it all, I don't even write in my diary anymore. It's just my organiser, oh this day and date, at this time... job/venue/payout/event/errands etc 



I guess what I'm saying is that, I've stopped penning down my thoughts and emotions. That plus the fact that I don't talk to anyone about how I truly feel and what I'm really thinking about means I've just been keeping it all in. Maybe here and there I'd share with the few special people in my life snippets, more so when I'm inebriated, but that's about it... just snippets. This special one knows this about me, and that special one knows that about me but nobody ever gets the full story these days, I find it too daunting a deed. 



It's been on my mind for quite a long while and maybe this was exactly how Rowling felt, that she came up with the idea of Horcruxes. The inability to trust anyone fully, to have them know everything about you because that is such a huge risk to take, and so much vulnerability to bear. I once had that courage in me though, to divulge every nook and cranny of my tangled mind to one person only to find out much later what a huge mistake it was. For someone who once lived like nobody was indispensable, that was like living in a parallel universe. Possibly addictive... which explains the continuous tandem of the same unfortunate story unfolding, just with different characters. Maybe it was the novelty, maybe it was just nice to stop being a lone wolf, or maybe... it was just sheer stupidity. 




Maybe life just isn't meant to be lived like that. 




After all, humanly relationships are such an irony. It can be your toughest pillar to lean on but on the flip side, you'd never know when the cracks appear, you'd never know when all would come to nought. I had that instilled in me growing up, yet I had to have reality slap me in the face so many times before I got burnt so hard I had to let go. 
But the damage has been done and then there's now. 



Morose, isn't it?
Those placid days? I'd take them all back, right now. 









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