Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Bubble Moment

Days like these, I lie in bed and with my quiet time, I think. Not in the way that I do all the time though- those are the times I think about everything, anything and yet it all ends up being nothing. Issue after issue, emotion after emotion and thought after thought. A tandem of notions in sequence that just goes on and on... But leads nowhere. Too much noise. Some days I wish I could talk about how I'm feeling, but then I realise... I'm too tired of talking. Every work day involves so much of that - interacting, socialising, vibing off people, spreading good vibes. An introvert doing an extrovert's job. Nobody believes it though, I seem to gel into my line of work so seamlessly. Who would have guessed that beneath all that... I'm just content hiding in my room, reading, dreaming and being happy without any interaction. Very often, I think about my 16 year old self, this crazily determined bugger who blocked out everything else just to focus on her goals- even people. Sometimes, it's tempting to go back to those days, life did seem simpler. But I learnt it the hard way, that that'd be all that defines me and it's an empty existence albeit a fufilling one. Most days, I'm just mentally drained by finding that balance and making the most out of my life. I've led my life prudish and rigid as hell and I've led it at the extremity of hedonism. Now I'm just walking on this tightrope, all tensed up, wary of falling to either ends again. I think too much, I try too hard to understand the contradiction that is myself. And now I shall shut up and continue to curl up in my bed, this is precisely why I don't talk about how I feel. One long chunk of text and guess what? I've hit another dead end, it was another bubble moment... I don't actually know how I'm feeling.

1 comment:

  1. i've just discovered you today. you write so damn well.