Tuesday, June 3, 2014

gain the whole world, for the price of your soul

Wow it's been a long while since I truly last updated my blog with a proper post, so here I am today with something short ( I think, I tend to ramble once I start ) to kickstart everything. It's been close to a month since I updated this space and so, so much has changed. Some things bring an ache to the chest when I think about, but that's just the way life is, one wave of event after another. 
All we're trying to do, is to stay buoyant.

Two years back, I made the decision in the wee hours of the morning to pack my bags and take off to Maldives that very evening when the chance was presented to me. It was an experience of a lifetime and one that I would never regret in my life. At 21, I had travelled to my dream destination even though the trip was a very short one. That was the first time that the wanderlust in me was ignited. 

Two years on, I made the same choice to take off again and this time, on my own. The thought of it was and still is extremely daunting to me. I had never booked my own tickets, settled my own accommodation or even sat in a plane without a companion... much less be in foreign ground all alone. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know what I wanted to gain out of the trip, all that I knew, was that I needed to get out of here- away from the familiar sights, the notion of life and the people. 

I had kept to myself for so long - all my thoughts hidden beneath the nonchalant wave of a hand and a chirpy ' I'm fine' and all my feelings masked behind a smile. 
And in that silence, the noise was so loud, it was painful. 

It wasn't something I had deliberately chosen to do, it was something I was used to. For 4 months, I saw myself just wilting away on the inside and I couldn't even figure out why. I got up each day, went about the daily notions, what I had to do, what I wanted to do but slowly, all that slipped away- It got harder to get out of bed, I lost the spark to do the things I wanted to do and soon enough, I got out of bed only to do the bare minimal of what I had to do. Time flew by as it always has, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks...yet, the moments in my mind just got longer and longer. I began to question myself more and more and the inability to grasp hold of any answers just left me feeling increasing powerless as the days went by. Before I knew it, I'd slipped back to my old ways of coping. Every single one of them. 

The truth is, everything that numbs, can only numb oneself for so long. All that fades and it's back to reality, back to coping. Coping- that was something that I had no idea how to do anymore. I was struggling to stay buoyant, much less rise above the challenges that I had wanted to face. I had never felt worse and I had never wanted so badly to be better. It was that struggle of fighting off how I felt that was wearing me out- my mind was a dank, dark existence and all I thought about each day was how I could turn it into a state of sunshine. It was like playing tug-o-war with myself, just that it wasn't going anywhere.

That was when I knew that I had to leave. 

I only broke the news to a select few when I'd had everything down pat- the dates blocked out, the hotels and ticket booked. I didn't want to tell anyone before that, I didn't need any more noise, any more opinions. When it happened, it just did. I settled everything, packed my bags and left when the time came. 

And here I am, back again. It's been more than a week since I've been back, I jumped straight back to work the very night I touched down. I didn't really have the time to ease back into my life and even until now, that whole experience just seemed so surreal. It was by far the best time of my life, I didn't get much done but it was the whole experience of just throwing myself out there, giving myself the time on my own to rediscover new things and old feelings that I'd long forgotten. It was a breath of fresh air for my soul, and that alone was enough, it was more than I had bargained for. 

Very often, we get so caught up in the race- the rat race of the society and the race in our minds. We set never ending timelines for ourselves and get so encapsulated by all the numbers, the accolades, the wins that we forget everything else. We refuse to take breaks, we're afraid of what people would say and we get so terrified of the unknown that all we do is trudge on in our comfort zones. 

The greatest thing I'd learnt through taking this plunge is that the only thing you should be afraid of, is yourself. I had let myself get so caught up in everything that I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't know what I wanted, and before I could even ease the tangled knots on those questions, I had laid on more and more bricks of stress to trap myself in. 

I can't say that I'm fine now, or that I'd definitely be a ray of sunshine from hereon but I did something for myself, by myself. I had made the effort to a take the tiny step forward in learning how to love myself. I gave myself a chance to breathe and that alone meant so much to me. I can never silence the noise, but I'd learn to cope. One day, I will get there. 


For every one out there who might come across this, and who's in a terrible emotional state, this is for you. I'd never wanted to share so much intimate details of the trip that I'd taken and to let it just pan out with the pretty pictures and footage. But I hope, that this would help someone. We all cope in different ways and I can't say that my way would work for you, but when it all seems too hard to handle, don't forget to take a break. We all need one sometimes.

Stay Gold, Poodykats x


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