Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Reverie





I had never stopped going back to those days. Not a single day has gone by since that plane took off that I didn't once think about those days, even until now. 



All those inebriated nights that I stumbled out of the club, took a look to my left but instead, got up the cab with a heavy heart. So many times, I had wished circumstances were different. So many times I had wished I was more- A better person, a stronger person, a happier person. I tried so hard to be all that, but most of all, I tried to be worthy. 



I was nothing- someone so small and messed up and suddenly my days were better, brighter. I took on all that dedication and motivation I saw and for the first time in my life, I found an inspiration. One I'd look up to with earnest googly eyes of wonder, a quiet presence so strong, determined and comforting. I felt whole again. 



I fought with my inner demons, and alone, I crumbled, I succumbed. I was back to my old self. I doubted everything I was worth, and so confused and dazed, I'd let everything slip. Weak and meek, I never dared to show vulnerability, I wanted to be worthy, those parts of me just couldn't be seen. I couldn't allow that. 




It's funny, people tell me I'm strong for being able to keep up the cheerful disposition regardlessly. This was how I grew up, amidst the mess, all I knew was to keep it in and keep moving, I've never known any other way out. They didn't leave me any other way out. Never would I have thought, that the day would come that I'd look back on this trait of mine and see it as utter weakness. A weakness that I'd despise so much because in its little warped way, I'd become consumed by it.  All those thoughts and emotions I had hurtled right back in, are now nothing more than these ugly barcodes of scars. 



This ache is nothing more than the cavern I had unknowingly and desperately dug and hid my insecurities in but everything I kept in, all came out. My silence consumed me. What I thought was my strength, became my weakness. What I thought was worthy made me undeserving. 



" You can't love another if you have no love for yourself "





I shot myself in the foot. 





***********





4 comments:

  1. I was.. in the same position as you. For a few months till a few days ago, I was totally lost in life, similar to how you've felt right now. Not just lost in life, but lost a part of myself, I was becoming someone I didn't want.

    So from now on I tried to remove what is toxic to me, and do the things I want. I guess... we may never be truly happy for now, but it is the little things in life that we gotta learn to cherish, and slowly big things would come perhaps? :)

    and i aint bullshitting about me being lost, le-speedygonzales.blogspot.sg <--- I wrote it in blog too.


    Cheers Audrey!



    Smiles,


    Jake

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  3. cheer up! life's too short to be upset

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  4. Stop looking back and dont be blinded by -ity, theres a hell lot of beauty in you. Do amazing work and cut all the bs stuff. Gud luck kiddo.

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