Thursday, September 4, 2014

Fallen from the pedestal

So I'm sitting here writing this while I have a couple of advertorials to get to, not exactly the best idea to put work on hold, but I need a breather to clear some thoughts. Pardon me if this post ends up being somewhat scattered because frankly I'm just going to write as it goes.

It's 3 months till the end of 2014 and I'd skip the civility and honestly say that the first thought that comes to mind is " How the fuck did time pass by so fast? ". The ushering in of 2014 wasn't some magical rite of passage to better days for me, I don't remember setting any kind of goals or resolutions, or even thinking 'new year new me', well you get the idea. The new year was just another cycle of 365 of the unknown, all that I hoped for, was to not fuck it up. 

I didn't enjoy the same kind of euphoria and hope that most people have for new years, I was lucky to strike gold of such a moment just 3 months before the year 2013 ended. Maybe that explains this post, because I've already felt that I've gone a full cycle. Time is after all, as it is, simply made by man as a form of tangible currency of measure on something so intangible. I feel life is defined by moments, and  8 September 2013 was one of those defining moments. 

Since that day, I felt like, I really started to live. I threw myself out there and gave myself a chance to experience so many things that I would have once walked away from. The past 5 years of my life before that have been a blur, nothing much that I'd actually remembered in detail; some key events here and there, but for most part, all that I can recall was deteriorating as a person. I can't say that I regret any of it, because bad choice back then led me to where I am today. And my life before that 5 years? They were tough. Tough as fuck. Life didn't deal me a pretty hand of cards at all, but I'm still here. Despite everything that I went through as a kid stripped of a proper childhood, as a lost adolescent... I'm still here. I wish I could untangle those emotional knots at a snap of my fingers; undo every inch of my self loathing, erase all this grudge that I bear towards myself and as vile as it sounds, maybe for once be able to blame someone for something rather than take it all on myself. But I can't, and so, I'm left to cope. 

I've come to a point in life, that I'm truly learning about acceptance. Accepting every bit of my unfavourable past that I had no control over and accepting every mistake of mine that I'm responsible for and most of all, accepting myself. When I was in Bali, I realised that the only way to let go was to accept certain things as they are and as they were. 4 months on, I'm still struggling. Unsure. I'd always known to take things as they come, live without regrets because everything happens for a reason, but I'd never thought about acceptance. I most certainly didn't think about how hard it'd be either. It is painful. 

I'm in a queer state now, ironic even, on the outside it seems like I'm walking on sunshine, especially with the amazing opportunities that life has very kindly bestowed upon me. But on the inside... there couldn't be a bigger juxtapose. 

Compared to all my years before this, everything that I have going on now came so quickly, I feel immensely overwhelmed. Some days I find myself on the verge of anxiety, feeling so scared and uncertain, riddled with doubt. I'm so afraid of failure, even more so of mediocrity, and I'm not sure if I can do this. I don't know how I'd deal with failing again, especially after not giving a try at anything for so long and, suddenly, here I am giving so many things a shot. Every day I wake up convincing myself that I can do this, willing myself to get up and get out there, do more, learn more, gain more. 

I want to be worthy of every good moment in my life. 


As abrupt as it is, I shall stop here. I had a lot more to say, but god, this stuff is so fucking heavy. 

Goodnight poodykats. 


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