Tuesday, May 8, 2018

let the past, pass

28 April 2018

 In about 2 weeks, I would have moved out to live on my own for 2 years now. Time sure flies, it all feels so surreal, almost like a dream. But for most part, it has been a nightmare. One that broke me in, one that still haunts me, but also one, that I feel was absolutely necessary. I needed those harsh yet honest lessons. 

I won't lie, as much as I hold an optimistic perspective, it has been hard to forgive myself. Very hard. But I'm learning to speak to myself in the same way that I speak to others. Although my actions & choices were laced with folly, it genuinely came from a good place in my heart. I may have disrespected myself, but I know that I treated people well - I never looked at what I had to gain, I simply wanted to give and I just gave to the wrong people. 
It is nauseating that I have to be so guarded when all I ever meant to do, was to help. But that's the way the world works and I'm no longer one to live in denial of what truly is. 

I value people the same now, I value the good people even more, and it's time I value myself. 
Just as I can see the beauty in everything, I can see the faults in anything as well. 
What was unfortunate, was me seeing the beauty in every one else, yet only seeing the faults in myself. On retrospect, I only had harsh words for myself - I didn't need any one to hate on me, I did such a stunning job of undermining every fibre of my own being, Impeccable, even. 

Circumstances that shrouded my life, and were beyond my control, had hardwired me to demean myself and to always see myself as lesser. I have always held so much joy & pride in the achievements & milestones of others, yet only nonchalance for my very own. 

It's time for a paradigm shift, it's time to finally let the past, pass. The past doesn't define who I am, it defines who I was. My conscious choices & actions hereon, are what truly defines me now. 

Emotions will always be hard to run by, especially when coupled with depression & anxiety, but that should never mar the lines for me to discern each situation objectively. 
The situation never lies. 

"Between stimulus & response, man has the freedom to choose. " 

With the exception of wonky serotonin levels, I choose happiness. 

At every bent that I should break, I shan't. 
Let the past, pass. 


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