Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Rewind







Hello again. I had a long slew of thoughts to unload before I started on this entry, yet, I drew blanks as I started typing.



 "Flip to a random page and share what's written then," was what I told myself, so here's an entry I wrote in my diary on 7th August 2018.




" It's been almost a month since I've written in here, as much as I wanted to fix everything, all I did was further fall apart. The mind is a powerful tool but it can be a terrible force and that was all a matter of picking sides and I made my wrong move. But I'm still here and it isn't too late to start over again. As many times as I need to, I shall simply hit restart. 


I've been so caught up with the bad, that I've neglected the good. I scrolled back at photos in 2014, a bad year really. But yet, my good moments then were at such great heights. My self awareness has skyrocketed over the years but my highs have plummeted and I've stopped being able to match my pain with pleasure. My heart is filled with fear and my mind has never been so wary. It has been exhausting. 


A couple of nights ago, I saw myself wearing so thin, and I want to work to be as far from those moments as I possibly can. Nobody around me seems to understand. But that's okay. Nobody should, because I can never make anyone see and feel what I went through, and just how deadly it was for who I am. That is the way life is. This is one battle I have to face alone.


Every new day, is a chance for me to find my way and make my own peace, with myself. I can't run around for the rest of my life making every one happy but my own damn self. 


27, and here is a lesson I'm still struggling to learn. I thought I had it, but I really don't. But try and try again I shall. I can't let what I've gone through keep me down. 


When I get past this, it will be a whole world of new sights, and above all, a new lease of life. I should be happy, and I should be thankful because better days are to come, much better days. All I need, is to embrace the change and respect the challenge before me. I could leave it as it is and be as I am but I know I want so much more in life. I can do so much more. 


With new lessons in my pocket and a wiser state of mind, I start my journey again. 


It was all meant to happen, things were meant to be shaken and broken down once again because they weren't right. They may have seemed right because I was doing all the right things but at this moment, on hindsight, I was in the wrong frame of mind. I was driven by the wrong things that lacked deeper meaning. Things that were wrong for me, at least. I wasn't laying my foundation in the right place. 


I don't know yet, where that might be exactly, but I do know that as long as I keep trying with all that I have... The miasma will one day clear, and I will find my way. 


I must never allow the mind and heart that I've been blessed with, to be my greatest downfall. 
It has been, but it shouldn't be. 


Here's to me starting over again. 


[ Learning to embrace the good of the present, & letting the past, pass. ]


It's about both, that is the true balance I've been meaning to seek. As long as I'm alive, it's never too late. 


I've been trying to run from the past while looking to a better future, but I wasn't present. I had confused myself with the order of things. 


The future is made out of the past & the present. It's all about embracing what I've been through & what I'm going through, that will determine, what I will go through. 


I truly believe, that this is the way life should be lived. I'm thankful for this moment, it is simple yet so profound. I write this with a smile on my face. 


A brand new lesson learnt. A lesson, perfect for who I am now. " 





I couldn't have flipped to a better page- what an apt reminder, for the start of another rewind. 








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