Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Rewind







Hello again. I had a long slew of thoughts to unload before I started on this entry, yet, I drew blanks as I started typing.



 "Flip to a random page and share what's written then," was what I told myself, so here's an entry I wrote in my diary on 7th August 2018.




" It's been almost a month since I've written in here, as much as I wanted to fix everything, all I did was further fall apart. The mind is a powerful tool but it can be a terrible force and that was all a matter of picking sides and I made my wrong move. But I'm still here and it isn't too late to start over again. As many times as I need to, I shall simply hit restart. 


I've been so caught up with the bad, that I've neglected the good. I scrolled back at photos in 2014, a bad year really. But yet, my good moments then were at such great heights. My self awareness has skyrocketed over the years but my highs have plummeted and I've stopped being able to match my pain with pleasure. My heart is filled with fear and my mind has never been so wary. It has been exhausting. 


A couple of nights ago, I saw myself wearing so thin, and I want to work to be as far from those moments as I possibly can. Nobody around me seems to understand. But that's okay. Nobody should, because I can never make anyone see and feel what I went through, and just how deadly it was for who I am. That is the way life is. This is one battle I have to face alone.


Every new day, is a chance for me to find my way and make my own peace, with myself. I can't run around for the rest of my life making every one happy but my own damn self. 


27, and here is a lesson I'm still struggling to learn. I thought I had it, but I really don't. But try and try again I shall. I can't let what I've gone through keep me down. 


When I get past this, it will be a whole world of new sights, and above all, a new lease of life. I should be happy, and I should be thankful because better days are to come, much better days. All I need, is to embrace the change and respect the challenge before me. I could leave it as it is and be as I am but I know I want so much more in life. I can do so much more. 


With new lessons in my pocket and a wiser state of mind, I start my journey again. 


It was all meant to happen, things were meant to be shaken and broken down once again because they weren't right. They may have seemed right because I was doing all the right things but at this moment, on hindsight, I was in the wrong frame of mind. I was driven by the wrong things that lacked deeper meaning. Things that were wrong for me, at least. I wasn't laying my foundation in the right place. 


I don't know yet, where that might be exactly, but I do know that as long as I keep trying with all that I have... The miasma will one day clear, and I will find my way. 


I must never allow the mind and heart that I've been blessed with, to be my greatest downfall. 
It has been, but it shouldn't be. 


Here's to me starting over again. 


[ Learning to embrace the good of the present, & letting the past, pass. ]


It's about both, that is the true balance I've been meaning to seek. As long as I'm alive, it's never too late. 


I've been trying to run from the past while looking to a better future, but I wasn't present. I had confused myself with the order of things. 


The future is made out of the past & the present. It's all about embracing what I've been through & what I'm going through, that will determine, what I will go through. 


I truly believe, that this is the way life should be lived. I'm thankful for this moment, it is simple yet so profound. I write this with a smile on my face. 


A brand new lesson learnt. A lesson, perfect for who I am now. " 





I couldn't have flipped to a better page- what an apt reminder, for the start of another rewind. 








Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Blind Eye










You think you want me
But you love her shell more
I chose to turn a blind eye
For mine is not what you pine for


Would it feel like freedom
A whole love meaning happy 
Thoughts & touches in tandem
To the feelings voiced to be
Not just rhymes or rhythms
Of faux meaning running free


Your heart
You proclaim I hold
My heart 
Craves both shell & soul


Whole love is a myth
Like I am the idealist





-

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Little Miss Schizoid






2 August 2017 


I have to fragment myself
To keep me company
I have to be around
People I can
Trust 





Artwork by: Zeenchin

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

let the past, pass






28 April 2018



 In about 2 weeks, I would have moved out to live on my own for 2 years now. Time sure flies, it all feels so surreal, almost like a dream. But for most part, it has been a nightmare. One that broke me in, one that still haunts me, but also one, that I feel was absolutely necessary. I needed those harsh yet honest lessons. 



I won't lie, as much as I hold an optimistic perspective, it has been hard to forgive myself. Very hard. But I'm learning to speak to myself in the same way that I speak to others. Although my actions & choices were laced with folly, it genuinely came from a good place in my heart. I may have disrespected myself, but I know that I treated people well - I never looked at what I had to gain, I simply wanted to give and I just gave to the wrong people. 
It is nauseating that I have to be so guarded when all I ever meant to do, was to help. But that's the way the world works and I'm no longer one to live in denial of what truly is. 



I value people the same now, I value the good people even more, and it's time I value myself. 
Just as I can see the beauty in everything, I can see the faults in anything as well. 
What was unfortunate, was me seeing the beauty in every one else, yet only seeing the faults in myself. On retrospect, I only had harsh words for myself - I didn't need any one to hate on me, I did such a stunning job of undermining every fibre of my own being, Impeccable, even. 



Circumstances that shrouded my life, and were beyond my control, had hardwired me to demean myself and to always see myself as lesser. I have always held so much joy & pride in the achievements & milestones of others, yet only nonchalance for my very own. 



It's time for a paradigm shift, it's time to finally let the past, pass. The past doesn't define who I am, it defines who I was. My conscious choices & actions hereon, are what truly defines me now. 



Emotions will always be hard to run by, especially when coupled with depression & anxiety, but that should never mar the lines for me to discern each situation objectively. 
The situation never lies. 





"Between stimulus & response, man has the freedom to choose. " 





With the exception of wonky serotonin levels, I choose happiness. 



At every bent that I should break, I shan't. 
Let the past, pass. 



-

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Dreaming Realist








every weaker side
  you see
is becoming of a 
  stronger me

   past upon past
 piled on the floor
  rebirth with mirth 
waltzing through doors


catacombs mind and
  a labyrinth of thoughts 
seek and you shall find
  what holds the true faults


guarded by a realist while
  the dreamer sits throne
where upon love lies
   can happiness ever 
        call home



-



Written 22 July 20

Saturday, August 12, 2017

most people are better in the abstract









                                                                Some days my
                                                                Heart palpitates
                                                                With a fear that
                                                                Embraces the
                                                                Bated breath


                                                                As I
                                                                Sink
                                                                Into the
                                                                Light of truth
                                                                That my art
                                                                Is one
                                                                With
                                                                My heart


                                                                 


                                                                    -


Written on
 2 August 2017

Saturday, August 27, 2016

rose tinted








tinted in rose
glaze after glaze
how many hits to take
till it fades to waste


wide eyed past dusk 
questioning tears
sound asleep with a colossal mask
quenching warped fears


almost was never enough
all the lies a rough draft
same sights different eyes
the vice of truth is pure wrath


lifting the rug
skeletons in a hole
how deep was it dug 
would i ever truly know






----




Friday, November 20, 2015

how cryptic










Empty - is a strange feeling.
Could you even say it's a feeling when empty is tantamount to the absence of something, anything.


Perhaps it is the point of perfect juxtapose - at the edge but never over, the bent before the break, where black meets white , when good and bad collide.





Empty;
is like a dreaming realist.

is like a walking contradiction.

is like the solitary mulling in the flurry of activity.

is like having so much to live for yet wanting to die.

is like feeling happy and wondering what the catch is.

is like having so much to say but saying nothing at all.

is like being told a lie and pretending that you believe it.

is like falling in love with the flowers and autumn comes.

is like coveting a happy marriage yet fearing commitment.

is like being surrounded by a sea of people and feeling alone.

is like consoling a friend when you're falling apart on the inside.

is like the romantic in your nature and the cynic from your nurture.

is like seeing a flashing neon sign that says happy when you're sad.

is like the smile on your face partnered with the scars on your wrists.

is like sticking out like a sore thumb and being thrust into the limelight.

is like knowing that nothing you do or avoid would make it better or worse.

is like wanting to hug someone and cry yet knowing that you would smile at whoever you chose to see.

is like sobbing in a movie theatre of strangers and that's the most comfortable you've been around anyone.





Perhaps, empty is an irony.
How cryptic.






Monday, November 3, 2014

New sights



So, in a couple of hours time, I'd be waking up to get ready for my first office job. The thought of it gives me slight jitters, but more than anything it's excitement- I've never done this in all my 7 years of working. Doing predominantly freelance work has kept me on my toes all these while; the nightlife, my now defunct blogshop, dance gigs, events jobs... I always had the freedom of choice. To work or not to work, it was simple as that. Working meant higher digits in my bank account, but I always had the choice of turning a day of work down. Not that I ever did actually, I never said 'no' to work, even if it meant running back and forth 3 jobs in a day- C.R.E.A.M, right?

Yet, this new journey is really daunting to me- Incorporating some kind of routine into my erratic schedule feels, really weird. Funnily enough, I've always found a sense of comfort in my lack of stability. Waking up not knowing what day it is, waking up scrambling to my organiser and frantically flipping through the pages to figure out why my alarm is set at that particular hour... And now, hello 4 days a week of hearing that annoying beeping at the same time every day. 

Even more bizarre than routine incorporation, is the fact that I'm taking up an office job. I've never once envisioned myself ever having a desk in an office. Well, change is good, right? Maybe not being completely topsy turvy from the rest of the world would do me some favours. 

It's going to be a really interesting time for me, tiring no doubt, but interesting. I'm taking on this job on top of everything else that I'm already doing and mid month, a possible teaching stint. I guess it's going to be one hell of a time for me, I've yet to settle into the changes that this year has bestowed upon me and here I am nudging those already shaky Jenga blocks of life. Time to step up my game. 

With all that self pep talk said and done, I still stand firm on one thing:
Fuck mornings.