between worlds

It has been a very strange period of time - a surfeit of waxes with just as many wanes.

Each progress I make brings me back to the drawing board but at least I’ve got one foot out the door.

I’m riddled with as much fear as I have optimism, so I find myself doing a stupid little mental dance daily. Overcoming my discombobulated mental barriers is as burdensome as I thought it would be, but every second thought I give helps me internalise how ridiculous they truly are - The cage door is wide open yet I’ve been sitting on the perch and twiddling my thumbs…

My heart races every time I ponder about my plans and think of a far future that I hope to project myself into and before I know it, the exhilaration has turned into anxiety. If you look closely enough at anything, you will inevitably start to notice all the flaws.

I’ve learnt that the brain is an intelligent creature that strives to achieve its all important purpose of self-preservation and that’s how comfort zones are birthed. Every little variable added to the equation is a potentially threatening deviation from safety so why would we venture into the unknown?

I have to admit that it was nice for a while, being a jellyfish just cruising with the currents. Now, the idea of a ‘comfort zone’ just seems like a fallacy because there’s nothing comfortable about it.

It is awfully stifling.

My fears don’t stem from the thought of change but rather, that nothing would change - That I’ll find myself at the end of the road but right where I started, that nothing would have materialised and that this is all I’ll ever know. That frightens me more than I’ve ever been able to verbalise.

Those fears are as absurd as they are valid which leaves me no choice but to take a step off the precipice and pray the plunge catapults me into another world, a new world.

I don’t want to be stuck here forever.

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